The boy walked slowly on the deserted road. The sun had set and in the faint dusk light, he could barely see his hands. He felt the back of his left ear. It hurt. The skin was uneven and protruded strangely all over. His fingers caressed all over and , finally, with a grunt of disgust he let go. That bee! That lousy bee!

Laughing are you? Ha ha ha. It definitely is funny. I have been trying to recall how that bee bit me but in vain. All I remember is that my left ear was swollen and two sizes bigger than my right one. Gee! Combine it with the reddish tinge it held all day and all night. For a 9 year old boy, a bee sting is worse than a nightmare.

But its what followed that is even more interesting and hilarious than the gigantic left ear I *was blessed* to have. Every other evening I used to visit my friend and we would play video games till we dropped dead tired and satisfied. That evening as I walked down to their house (with the sting-enhanced ear), I shivered in anxiety. I wondered if my friend is gonna make fun of me. If he would have the laugh of the day at my expense.

At home, I was okay with it. Everyone had a laugh, including meself, but I was so unsure of going out in the open in front of *others*. I was afraid of the laughter I would encounter. I couldn’t bring myself to terms and be okay with it. Come on man! I have got some self-esteem. I couldn’t let it evaporate right before of my eyes.

Yet, I didn’t stop. I traced my steps to his house. With bated breath, I waited for him to pinpoint and break into fits of laughter. “Hey you are late. Come on in!”. He didn’t seem to have noticed. Wait! How could he have missed that? Anyways, with some hesitation I joined him and then we played Contra & Formula1 and we had the time of our lives. All sense of unsurety vanished into thin air. Yet, I still had the vision of the ear in the back of my mind.

Before leaving, I pointed out to the ear meself and all three of us (including his cute sister) had a great laugh. And, joking about the ear, I felt good. In another light perhaps, I was gagging my self esteem. But, ten years later, when I look at it, it makes me question: What is my self-esteem? What is it based on? An over-sized ear?

What forms your definition of self esteem? Surely physical attributes and all that you considered till date to be self-esteem are very shallow depictions of that esteemed self of yours. Don’t you think people are so much into themselves (including you and me) that to place the foundation of *WHAT YOU ARE* through the eyes of others is stupidity.

I think you will like the following lines. They are from the song “Happy” – Natasha Bedingfield’s album ‘Pocketful of Sunshine’.

“Happy”

Ooh.. Oooooohhh.
Landlords Knocking at my door cussing me out
Got laid off my job the night before
Can’t figure how
I’m gonna fix tomorrow away
If today’s still a mess
Can u tell me what’s the point man,
It all seems meaningless
I wish that I could step away and breathe
This world’s trying to swallow me
Clear away the clouds inside my head

Someone just tell me
That it’s ok now
What are you worried about

Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy

People lie, people hide, people cry, people fight

And they don’t know why
If fear is all that we should fear
Then what are we so afraid of
Cause fear is only in our heads

Someone please say…

Any day ill go bad thinking bad
Everyone is against me and the world wants to fight me
Preparing to battle an enemy unseen
During my stressing I’m blinded to the lesson
That could be a blessing if Id be confessing that the enemy
I’m trying to beat is hiding inside of me

But it’s ok now…what are you worrying about…

Keep your grind on girl…it’s your love, it’s your world…

—

Time for some self-talk I guess.. See ya later!

Siddhartha